I’m full of good intentions

I'm full of good intentions

I’m full of good intentions and I’m hungry

I remember the happy blue sky of summer, do you? Now a large black cloud fills my sky. Where are those happy days? I’m full of good intentions but there is always an excuse. The black cloud will soon blow away.

Multiple sclerosis is to blame for the black cloud. Now I have no motivation and feeling of inertia is overwhelming me. My emotions and mental health have changed.  I need more effort to do the simplest task.

The Monkey and its chum

There is a monkey that sits on my left shoulder whispering into my ear. “Remember to hold onto something when moving” or “Careful now, remember your balance is not very good”. Just recently it’s chum has started to sit on my other shoulder. It will frequently mutter ”Careful now, remember you’ve got double vision” or “you know that MS can only get worse”. Really cheerful of it 🙁

Is it getting worse?

Too many things are not quite going to plan. Doing anything always takes me longer. Just getting dressed in the morning takes me about an hour. I’m sure I’m getting more forgetful and answering a simple question takes longer. A feeling of isolation is growing because of my numerous invisible disabilities (that’s another blog).

I’m full of good intentions

Everything needs planning. I want exciting things to happen. Events to occur spontaneously but there is now this big hairy monster called MS and it gets in the way. It takes so much fun out of life. A summer holiday touring around France must be written off because the heat would wreak total havoc. Now I cannot dream of discovering the Dalmatian coast, is it accessible for me on the The Trike?

I feel as if I am sitting in the waiting room at a train station. The train is delayed but I am told it will eventually arrive. The passing of time slower and slower. Worst of all there is nothing I can do about it.

Do any of you have this feeling of helplessness? I am not even able to control which direction I am facing or at least that is how it feels to me. I’m full of good intentions but …

I apologise if this is a bit gritty

Normally this feeling of being enveloped by a grey fog is short lived, lasting a day at the most. I expect to snap out of it within 24 hours. The big hairy monster called MS is my face 24 x 7 at the moment. I know that I am not alone living a life that seems to be full of pitfalls and hazards.

The pipe dream

Lots of us have had wonderful opportunities ripped from us by this big hairy monster. Our lives must now change direction. Despite the MS hairy monster I have managed to create a new life myself. The spirit is still willing but the flesh is not quite as strong and reliable these days.

RAF motto

Per ardua ad astra is Latin meaning “through hardships to the stars” My own personal translation of this is ‘Life will be onwards and upwards’. It’s got me this far.

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September 2019

6 responses to “I’m full of good intentions”

  1. After trying to enjoy a weekend away in a disabled-friendly cabin that wasn’t the hairy monster scared even the bears away. First break-away in three years was a disappointing MesS.

    • Hello Roland,

      Good to hear it the monster scared the bears away. After finally putting these thoughts into words my bear is thinking about hibernating. Just had a cracking weekend with my brother and his wife who came up to stay. I’m now feeling refreshed and more relaxed

  2. Kay says:

    Thank you for putting into words many of my feelings. My black clouds casts its shadow more often now. My limitations make more work for others and slow them down. My monkey says, “You’re becoming a bit of.a burden!” I’ve recently taken up painting and found that he power of the paintbrush silences the monkey. For me, and I hope for others, there is nothing like a creative distraction to let back in the sunlight!

    • Hi Kay,

      The whole idea of the black cloud and monkeys on my shoulders has taken a while to put into words. You use painting to enable life to co-exist with MS, I use this website as my therapy/tool that enables me to live my MS-toxicated life. without being too much of a burden. I have now got light at the end of my tunnel

  3. Joan Fullbrook says:

    So sorry, I can relate to that, hope you cloud will start to lift soon

    • Hello Joan,

      I’m pretty sure I can see the light at end of tunnel. MS will always throw curveballs at me and there did seem to be an awful lot of them this morning, on. So yes the outlook is improving but both parrots are still squawking

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