Sometimes I Feel So Fragile
Occasionally I do feel frail or delicate. Most of the time I’m as tough as old boots.
When I feel fragile it does not take much to tip me over the edge. I can suddenly change from a robust healthy specimen to someone who is crying; yes I do cry and want a cuddle. Usually I can negotiate the crisis without a backward glance. The next time I trip up or fall over and there I am, crying my eyes out.
Something unexpected happens.
Inevitably the something is attributable to the MS. My memory and sense of balance are the usual causes. I might take a tumble or lose something. Right now I’m always frightened of falling onto my left shoulder. The biggest problem is when the day to day things go wrong, but any of these problems can stress me out.
Take a typical example, I am out shopping. The phone goes when I am in a shop. Something needs to be written down. The call ends, I put pen and note away but completely forget about the phone. Another problem, I can walk out of the house without the shopping list or leave without my phone. Sometimes at night I have forgotten to charge the battery for my mobility scooter.
During the day
I might trip over something or lose my balance. Nine times out of ten these errors of judgement will not affect me but it is the tenth time. Has the MS made me mentally unstable? Am I becoming clinically depressed? Or is it just another element of multiple sclerosis? I honestly do not know the answer.
My wallet is not in the usual place; back pocket of my jeans. I immediately assume that I have left it in a shop. It is not in the shops so I look around the house and don’t find it. By this time I’m feeling very depressed, now I tell Barby that I cannot find my wallet. She finds it within a few minutes. Now I’m an apologetic quivering wreck. I’m sure I was never this bad.
Poor memory, assuming the worst and a delicate mental state, these are not a good combination. No it’s not a case of ‘slit my wrists’ but I’ve certainly got a mind that can get easily confused. Also I’m unable to concentrate on one thing for very long and this has got worse over the last couple of years I’m not a total shambles. I do remember to shower, shave and brush my hair.
Since I started this post I have realized that I only crack-up when I’m suffering from MS fatigue. It’s only then that I crumple. Do you find that MS fatigue makes you feel less stable emotionally? Now that I know what causes the problem I might be more able to cope with this horrible problem.