Feeling Frustrated, Lost my Temper
MS is a personal disease, different for everyone. No matter how much you try to explain only an MSer can truly appreciate it. There are subtle changes to the mental state of mind. Claustrophobia, clumsiness, feeling frustrated and even stupidity can occur. The physical situation will invariably deteriorate during the day.
Sometimes it all gets too much, This time I lost my temper, had a bit of a tantrum and threw my toys out of the pram.
A feeling of frustration had been welling up in me for over a week
“No one understands what it is like” was something I wanted to say. Other potential phrases included “you really don’t understand” and “hang on a minute”. I knew I would be told in no uncertain way “Don’t be stupid, of course I understand” so I always kept my own counsel.
I could feel the frustration from the other side. “It’s a simple question, tell me YES or NO”. “I have NOT got all day” or ”what’s TAKING you so long?”, did not help me either.
Slowly I became more and more fed-up
It took about seven days for the water to come to the boil. Eventually it did reach boiling point. It was a really stupid thing that kicked it off. The café tierre had been washed out in clean hot water that I had run into the sink, now it was full of coffee grounds. I was just about to do the washing up but had to go to the loo, nothing quite like a wonky MS bladder.
Normally I would make some silly irrelevant comment and started again. Not this time, the red mist descended, I filled the space with a torrent of abuse and then stormed out of the kitchen pushing my rollator. I wanted to sign off by slamming the kitchen door. The noise had to be loud enough to register on the Richter scale.
Tried to do two things at once
Instead of the dramatic exit I sort of fell over. The rollator went off balance one wheel in the air. I ended up stuck, landing across the seat of the rollator. Now I understand how a beached whale must feel. I was stuck and only anger and pure undiluted bloody-mindedness got me standing up again. In the process I had scrapped the skin around one of my ribs and it felt very sore. Call it a battle scar.
I took myself off to the drawing room
Now I was able to sit down with my thoughts and bruised pride. I was so So SO cross but also I was so So SO tired. The tears were pouring down my face. It was all I could do to sit in the wing-back chair shut my eyes and let it all wash over me. After a few minutes I took a few deep breaths emotionally I was still really strung out.
I wanted to close down the website, cancel all my talks, just throw in the towel. I was so So SO pissed off. I’m still not too sure what stopped me.
Slowly, slowly I regained my composure
It must be over 4 years since I last went that ballistic, that was before I took medical retirement. Eventually I emerged from the drawing room. “What was that all about” she said as a way to welcome me back to the real word. What could I say? Looking a bit sheepish I offered to make a cup of tea for each of us.
MS, it’s a funny old disease. Within an hour normality had returned to the house.